Hanamichi

1998

To: k_rukawa@alumni.ncsu.edu
From: tensai@yahoo.co.jp
Subject : where are you?

Kaede,

Why didn't you ever return my calls? I got sick hearing you in the answering machine. Is something wrong? Are you sick? Are you away? Your cell defunct as well. I'm worried. Anyway, call me. Please.

Hana

PS. Are you angry with me? What did I do wrong?

***

To: k_rukawa@alumni.ncsu.ed
From: tensai@yahoo.co.jp
Subject : out of the list

Kaede,

Your name has been dropped out from the list. I can't describe you how disappointed I am. If there's anyone in the whole Japan worth to be the captain of our national team, it should be you. Now you know that it isn't easy for me to admit that, so why be invisible? What really pisses me off is that instead of me, Fujima appointed Sendoh to be captain. What the hell? He says that I'm too erratic and impulsive. Yes, Fujima. Who would've thought that he took the offer as second coach to the national team? I wish it's Anzai-sensei instead, but I know that his heart has gotten worse. Man, he should lose some weight!

Anyway, I hope you reply my e-mail this time. I know that you aren't sick, 'cause I saw your first game on tv last week. How does it feel to play along with Michael Jordan, ne? No wonder you lost your patriotism. Heck, I'm not trying to be judgmental, okay? But people are upset with your lack of interest in joining the national team. Rude, even, with you going so silent. Which, to my point of view, is true. If I see you, I certainly would poke your eyes out. I'm still patient, cause you're my good friend, okay? But it's been two months, and I've done all I can to contact you. I'm pissed as hell, okay?

Haruko sends her greeting. She's curious with you disappearing. She wonders whether you've been involved with someone. If that's the case, why being so secretive? You know you can trust me. After all, I've talked to you about Haruko, haven't I? I can't stand with you so distant. I lost Yohei now I'm with Haruko, and the rest of the Guntai kinds of drifted apart.

Haruko has suggested for us to visit you in the next summer. If I decline her suggestion it's because of two things : I'm not sure how you receive me (or even present by the time we're there) since you never reply my emails and phone messages, and because I'm still a bit pissed with her so enthusiastic in seeing you again. Okay, I'm still a little jealous... heh. You have been the big elephant in my relationship with Haruko, which had prevented me to hook up with her years ago. Now, I'm older and wiser, and she's also older and wiser, I should've been more secure, right? Wrong. I don't.

Anyway, I've got to get going now. If I don't hear anything from you in a week, I probably won't ever e-mail you again. My patience has limit.

Hana

-------

Hanamichi stopped typing and stared at the monitor screen for a long time. His fingers hovered over the keyboard hesitantly.

Finally, face scrunched up as if in a real pain, he start typing again.

"What have I got to lose?" he whispered softly to himself. He knew it was a gamble, and the damn fox would probably never contact him again, but... if his hunch was right...

-------

PS. Kitsune? Is it because of Haruko?

-------

Hanamichi squeezed his eyes shut. His headache returned with a vengeance.

"I must be mad," he whispered again. But he had dropped the other shoe. What had he got to lose?

-------

Kitsune, I have to confess that-

-------

"Oh God," Hanamichi groaned to himself. "Haruko will kill me."

-------

-that I'm not sure being with Haruko is a good idea. It's not like I don't love her. I do. Or so I've thought. But I have the feeling you disapproved, okay? And I wonder to myself, why I bother with whatever your opinion is. But it does. It matters. And to be honest, I don't think I'm ready to sacrifice our friendship over Haruko. It's not worth it. Really.

I did a lot of thinking, and though it hurt to admit, I began to see that maybe what Sendoh had said was true. Sendoh? Yeah, he had commented when Haruko came back to my life. It's not like I've talked about my private life with him, okay? He's just being nosy. And I didn't pay him attention.

But he said that I'm just chasing an old shadow. An idealistic imagination that's best left as memories. And he said that... that... probably Haruko came to me because of you. Because she saw how close I was with you. Okay. That hurt. I should just shut up. Sendoh had no right to think so little of her. But I did think about it, okay? It made sense though it was crazy.

Shit. Why do I bother to tell you this? Anyway, I doubt that you'll ever read this.

But Kaede, the point is, I'm not so sure about me and Haruko. I'm not so sure about my feeling toward Haruko.

------

Hanamichi started to shiver. He stopped typing again for a long time. His heart bit much faster now, and his palms started to feel clammy.

It's all or nothing, he thought. When he started typing again, he kept making mistakes, before finally got it all out...., and right.

-------

Kaede,

I wonder if... if this confession can make a difference.

I do hope so.

------

His cell phone rang.

The monitor blinked the caller's name; Sendoh Akira.

Hanamichi quickly pushed the "send" button, erased the copy of his message in the Outbox folder, and flipped open his cell. "What's up, needle hair?"

"Fujima is pissed. Where the hell are you? You've skipped training three times already now. He's looking for you, okay?"

Hanamichi grunted, then replied in a defeated tone, "I'm coming, then."

When he finally reached the gym, everyone had left and the lights were already out. He groaned with annoyance, wondering why he didn't call first to confirm Fujima's whereabouts. He quickly took a round turn, and went to the coach's room. Yet, instead of Fujima, there was Sendoh.

"Fujima has left," Sendoh gave him his patented smirk. "Boy, he pissed as hell waiting for you."

"You should've called me, so that I won't come for nothing," Hanamichi growled.

"Nah," Sendoh grinned. "I've been thinking about taking you out for a drink."

"No thanks," Hanamichi said gloomily. "I have to get back home before ten."

"What, you're married now? Come on, Hanamichi, call Haruko and ask her permission to stay late. It's not like you two living together anyway, despite the fact that she's occupying your room most of the days."

"What the hell do you want, Sendoh? I can smell something fishy."

"Why are you being so difficult? Do I need a reason to get together with you now? Look, you haven't gone out with any of us since you're with Haruko. Don't you miss us? I do miss you. Especially since you also look different lately."

Hanamichi flinched involuntarily. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Hanamichi," Sendoh sighed. "Come and drink with me, okay?"

He practically dragged Hanamichi out. Yet, despite his obvious reluctance, Hanamichi gave up too easily. Maybe, Hanamichi thought, he had lost any energy to fight. He was too exhausted for reasons he didn't understand.

Or maybe he secretly did need Sendoh. Because if he had to be honest with himself, Sendoh was the only one always made sense. The only one who could see things clearly.

Sendoh was probably the only right person to... help him.

They found a dingy pub several blocks away. It was fairly quiet, and the music was soft and relaxing. Hanamichi started to get drowsy the minute he sat on the soft chair on the secluded corner. After staring quietly on his beer bottle for sometime, he finally realized that Sendoh was watching him.

"What?" he asked irritatingly.

Sendoh looked thoughtful and concerned. "You're unhappy, Hanamichi. Do you realize that?"

Something caught on Hanamichi's throat. But he scowled anyway.

"HAH! Nothing can make tensai unhappy. Besides, you're way out of line, pal. You have no right to--"

"Cut the bull shit, Hanamichi. I'm your only friend here."

Hanamichi stared at him.

"You're right," Sendoh continued. "I have no right to dwell on your personal life. But your performance drop visibly. I can't help feeling concern and have an obligation to make it right. Now I notice things here and there, Hanamichi. So, maybe I can help."

"What do you notice?" Hanamichi looked wary.

"You've been moping for the past two months, which is extremely strange. People who fell in love shouldn't look like as if his heart being ripped apart."

Hanamichi startled. "I didn't--" He stopped.

Sendoh raised his eyebrows. "What? Didn't fall in love?"

"K'so," Hanamichi muttered darkly and started to raise from his seat. However, Sendoh had anticipated it. He caught Hanamichi's wrist. "Sit down, Hanamichi. I'm not making fun of you."

"I got the feeling you're about to," Hanamichi said darkly. His face started to turn red, but he didn't release his wrist from Sendoh's clutch.

"I know you're not falling in love. And I know why. Want to listen my bull shit about it?"

"Haruko--"

"We're going to try to make things right between you and Haruko. Don't you care for her enough to do so?"

Hanamichi reluctantly sat down again, but his eyes avoided looking at Sendoh.

"Rukawa's not joining the national team is part of it too, I assume?"

Hanamichi looked up, startled. But he didn't reply, and he cast his eyes down again.

Sendoh exhaled softly. "Listen," he said. "I'm about to say something I shouldn't, okay? I probably got struck by lightning by the time I finish telling you this, because it's a promise I have to keep. But I'm going to say this to you, and only you, because I think it can help you, as well as... helping the person whom I had a promise to keep it as a secret."

Hanamichi glanced quickly toward Sendoh, curious.

"It's about Fujima," Sendoh said. His eyes shadowed.

Hanamichi softly asked, "What about Fujima?"

"Do you remember how things were between him and Maki during our high school years?"

Hanamichi snorted. "As if I can forget. Those two is like dogs and cats."

"The worst of enemies, and the best of rivals," Sendoh smiled.

Hanamichi bit his lower lip. "Sort of like you and Rukawa."

"Wrong," Sendoh grinned. "It's more like you and Rukawa."

"Me?" Hanamichi asked incredulously.

Sendoh took sometime before he continued. He said his words carefully. "People always say that there's a very thin line between love and hate, you know. Those things are true, Hanamichi."

"What does this have to do with Fujima and Maki?"

"You know what happen when you hate or get angry with someone so much? You start obsessing on that person. And by obsessing on your rival or enemy, you've let yourself be their prisoner. You're no longer free. You just can't help measuring everything on them. Everything you do, you calculate and compare it with them. There's just no more free will, Hanamichi. It's like you're now sitting in a car and the driver is no longer you, but them. Surely you understand that."

Hanamichi kept himself quiet.

"Then one day, you start seeing things no other people have seen. You suddenly knew so much about your rivals. Every little things. You see through their eyes. You think like they do. You understand them. You emphatized with them. Do you see what I see, Hanamichi? The worst of enemies and the best of rivals always eventually... connect to each other. And what's not to connect? Without realizing it, they had been the best thing in your life. The moment you start obsessing on them, you have put them on your pedestal. That's when the other side of the coin flip."

Sendoh leaned forward and watched Hanamichi closely. "Do you know why Fujima can't never be free from Maki? Always following his footsteps, constantly being in his presence, challenging him to the very end?"

"No," Hanamichi whispered, dreading the things about to come out from Sendoh's mouth.

"Fujima loves Maki, Hanamichi," Sendoh said mercilessly. "And it's never about sexual orientation stereotyping or that kind of bullshit. I even doubt Fujima is gay."

"What?"

Sendoh smiled. "Well, maybe he is a little... which explained why he's aware and kinda accepting it."

"Fujima loves Maki?" Hanamichi asked in a strange, strangled voice.

"It does explain a lot of things, doesn't it?"

"But--but-- Maki is happy with his girl!"

"I never said the other way around. Even from a long time ago, Maki has never been as intense in his rivalry with Fujima."

Hanamichi's breath coming out short and quick. Realizing that he's about to experience hyperventilation, he blindly groped for his beer. He drank one huge gulp.

"You okay, Hanamichi?"

"Godammit, Sendoh! Godammit! What are you saying?"

Watching the raising panic, Sendoh warily leaned back. "I think-- Hell, you're not okay."

"I'm not okay!" Hanamichi shouted so suddenly. "What the hell are you implying? Do you think that I... With Kae--Rukawa?"

"Calm down, Hanamichi."

"*Calm down*? How can I calm down after such a stupid accusation? Me? Pining over..."

Sendoh's eyes were big and black. "Tell me. Honestly. Do you ever think why Rukawa stop contacting you once you confess your intention to be with Haruko? Honestly, Hanamichi!"

Hanamichi's eyes were suddenly full of horror.

"Oh, I see," Sendoh said with comprehension. "You did think about it, didn't you?"

"Shut up!" Hanamichi hissed.

"You aren't like Fujima, Hanamichi. This time... I think... it's requited."

"I said SHUT UP!"

Sendoh watched with terror when Hanamichi's arms stretched out, about to strangle him. Yet, suddenly Hanamichi stopped. Then, as quickly as his rising storm of anger, Hanamichi jumped out from his seat and ran out.

***

Haruko gasped when the door was opened abruptly.

"Hanamichi?" she asked warily, surprised to see how pale Hanamichi's face were.

Hanamichi looked wild for a moment, before his eyes finally focused on his girlfriend. He deflated so suddenly, like a balloon burst out. "Oh, hi, Haruko-san."

"I was wondering where you were," Haruko smiled uneasily. "You're not going to believe what I've seen on the television just now."

Quickly calming himself, Hanamichi took his time to pull out his shoes. He suddenly couldn't see Haruko's face, out of fear from... From what?

"It's Rukawa," Haruko said.

Hanamichi froze.

"It's Rukawa. I saw it on the television. You wouldn't believe this. He's with Brigitte Pearl now!"

It felt as if his reaction stopped functioning. Hanamichi looked at Haruko dumbly. "Huh?"

"Brigitte Pearl. Come on, Hanamichi. You know that blonde singer? The one whom every teenagers around the world are crazy about? She's dating Rukawa, now!"

Hanamichi stared at Haruko. Then at his feet, which's looking pale and vulnerable outside the shoes. He couldn't think.

***

Kaede

1998

Rukawa didn't understand why Brigitte Pearl chose him. He wasn't exactly that famous, and he never paid attention to her. He sort of knew that American celebrities tend to do this. Hooking up with people for publicity. But what more publicity the Pearl girl had needed? She was... "overpublicized" already. If there was one could claim benefit from this ridiculous situation, it would be him. Yet, he needed no benefit to gain. Not this particular kind.

But he didn't object when his agent had gleefully approached him with Brigitte Pearl's intention to take him as her escort for the Grammy. In fact, he thought that the timing was right.

How right it was, and why, he didn't analyze it. All he believed was that he sort of needed the distraction. And if distraction meant about flirting a little with a horny girl who had a weird penchant on Japanese bishounen, or getting some kind of attention from the media, then so be it. It's not like he had to burn a lot of energy.

But after two weeks and both the intention and attention didn't diminish, he realized that maybe he had gone too far this time.

In the beginning, it felt satisfying to have a "girlfriend". He never had one. Therefore it's so much like finally achieving the impossible. But to be honest, he never thought that he needed one. And if he could be more honest, it felt more like... revenge on...

He blinked his eyes tiredly. He stared on his watch, and realized that his flight's about to land soon.

Something heavy and cold started forming again on his stomach.

Back home. To Raleigh.

Which was his home nowadays?

Despite the fact that Raleigh was the city in America where he lived the longest, he had no intention to live there forever. And what about Chicago? The new city he was supposed to live now. Would it be the city where he called it home from now on?

And as for Japan...

What was left now there for him? His parents? His...

His heart clenched painfully.

Tired, he thought. He must be tired. All those away games. He could not believe how tiring it was a season would be. Had he imagine that things would turn out like this? Had he truly believed he'd be spending the next ten years or so in his life living like this? Six months on the road then the other six hybernating? Or maybe... fornicating? With a singer whom he barely had a thing in common?

Why did the hurt never stop?

Something stung on his eyes. When he touched his face, he was surprised to see his fingers came back wet.

Why did it hurt so much?

Why did it hurt without reason at all?

Was it true there hadn't been any reason at all?

***

The first thing he saw in front of his apartment door was the mails. He snorted, piling them up, and put them all into the nearby garbage can. Nothing among those mails were useful. Fan mails annoyed him, with all of those flowering flattery that was as ridiculous as bull shit. He never liked those crazy devotees. It scared him for some reason. And it wasn't as if he needed any more attention. He had fan clubs since he graduated from elementary school, and judging from his experience, it was best to ignore them if one didn't want to be eaten alive by their misguided fanatism.

He went in, and sneezed. God, the air. His apartment was as stalled as a closed room without air conditioner in the middle of summer. It felt like being abandoned for a year instead of three months. Where were those cleaning service when you needed one? He glanced at the dead plants and sighed. Then again, he distinctively remembered of saying to his landlord to prohibit anyone ever coming to his apartment.

Especially since...

He quickly went inside his bedroom, and froze to see his unmade bed. It looked exactly like when he left it three months ago. He thought he could still see the wet tracks on his pillow, refusing to remember that he had spent nights weeping in his sleep. Bad dreams, he reminded himself. Yet, the desolate feeling still resonating, even now. After all, it was the reason why he abandoned this place and moved to a hotel on the first place.

He glanced at the blinking answering machine on the side table, and quickly punched on the "erase" button. He didn't need to hear all the messages, did he? Then, he found his cell phone, dead and gathering dust. He took it and hooked it to the charger. Time to start using it again, he thought without enthusiasm.

Finally, he turned on his PC out of habit. Well, he had an inkling that his mailbox would be clattered with messages. Especially since he announced his controversial decision to abandon joining the National Team. Therefore, all he needed to do was erasing everything.

He inhaled sharply when he saw Hanamichi's name repeatedly among the inbox inventory list. But he quickly got over himself and pushed the 'delete' button.

There wasn't any use, was he?

He gasped loudly, when his heart did his constricting pain. What the hell?

Heavily sitting on his bed, he calmed himself desperately. Tired. He was tired. He needed the sleep.

But there's things he needed to do first.

The call went through on the first ring. Followed by a raspy, annoyed voice. "Yeah?"

"Phillip? It's Rukawa."

"What the hell?! Where have you been, you damned shit! Going into a recluse? Why are you avoiding all my calls? I know that you've paid the damned Bulls' road manager to ignore my calls. Well, let me tell you this, you can start looking for other agent right away! And you'd better pay me the damage fee! Don't forget! Being a famous rookie and a celebrity's boyfriend doesn't automatically make you free of any liability."

"I'm sorry. I'm back in my apartment, now."

"Why are you leaving the apartment? Staying in touch with that new girl of yours? Don't forget your duties, for God's sake."

"I'm not. I told you. I'm back."

"Well, if you're sure," his agent grimly said. "Your parents called. Complaining why they couldn't get in touch with you. Oh, and there's a rather persistent friend of yours left messages in my phone. Weird, if I must say."

Rukawa absently played with his phone wire. "How weird?" he asked absently.

"Keep insisting to tell you this : 'I broke up with Haruko. We need to talk. Listen to the voice message I left at your operator'. What the hell is this, Rukawa? You're having a triangle love affair? This Haruko is a girl's name, am I right? You'd better call your operator, or we can start notify the police about possible stalking..."

Rukawa banged the telephone down.

It was as if the world suddenly turned gray before his eyes.

Cold sweat trickling on his back, and his body trembled like never before.

When he started dialing his operator's number, his hand were so shaken he practically needed a long minute to finish pushing the three digits.

"Yes, Mr. Rukawa. There's one long voice mail for you," the cheerful voice on the other end of the line told him innocently. "Here it goes."

Rukawa clenched on his phone tightly, his fingers whitened.

"Kaede-kun," Hanamichi's voice resonating deeply. It was eerily so real and near, as if he was himself present in the room... and... and... "I'm not too late, aren't I? I'm not with Haruko anymore, and I can't... *can't stand* it if you have a girlfriend already. I can't stand it, Kaede. You do understand what I'm saying, don't you? Please call me. Please. For the sake of both of us. Four our future. I'm going crazy, you know? I miss you like really, really mad--"

The message hadn't even finished when Rukawa frantically cut the connection and dialed the memorized number.

Oh God, he couldn't think. He *shouldn't* think. This wasn't real. God had made this up... to... to torture him. Right? He shouldn't expect too much... If it was real.... NO. He shouldn't think about it, because... because he could jinx it. And then he would be... devastated.

"Hello?"

Rukawa felt as if his heart stopped beating.

"Hello?"

Said something! He screamed in his mind. He opened his mouth, and croaked.

"He... Kaede?" Hanamichi's voice turned wary. "Kaede, is that you?"

Swallowing repeatedly, yet still felt like his throat being cut with a seesaw, he pushed himself to speak. "Hana?"

"Oh God! It's you! Kaede? Kaede! Where the hell have you been?"

It wasn't real! He squeezed his phone so tight, he wondered if he had cut himself.

"Kaede? Did you get my message? Kaede?"

IT WAS REAL!

Suddenly couldn't control himself, Rukawa started sobbing. He bit his lips so hard to control it, but it felt as difficult and useless as stopping flowing water from a broken dam. It had been three months! Three long, agonized months!

"Kaede! OH GOD! Are you crying? I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

"Don't," Rukawa whispered.

"What?"

"Don't... don't go... I'm...I'm..."

"Kaede?" Hanamichi's tone was desperate.

"I'm leaving to Japan. Right away," Rukawa said, finally able to control himself. "Hana, I... I love you too."

"Kaede! Say that again!"

"I love you, Hanamichi. I love you too."

***

TBC